How to tell you're watching a good movie

I'll tell you how. If you watched the motherfucker five times and it still makes no sense, you've watched a great movie. If it had the occasional random thirty-second scene with no discernible meaning or purpose, you've watched a great movie. If a character persistently behaved moodily and never explained himself, you've watched a great movie. If you can't figure out why the fuck on earth anyone would make the movie, you have probably watched a great movie. If it was more than an hour and a half long, you can bet you watched a great movie. If you more than once found yourself raising your hand to scratch your head, I can assure you it was a milestone of moviemaking that you experienced. If a lot of people swear it's a great movie but none of them can give one sensible reason why, you can be sure it's a great fucking movie. If the characters are deep, dark and mysterious but you can't figure out what the heck their particular psychosomatic affliction might be, you've watched a spectacular motherfucking movie. Don't be a cinematic dolt! Pick up on these signs of movie greatness or be laughed out of the video store. If at the end of the movie you have a splitting headache and are foaming at the mouth from your sheer rage for the director, fall to the floor and humbly kiss the earth in your state of prostration, because you, my friend, are in the presence of unparalleled cinematic greatness.