Politician-speak

Why do we let the people in charge of countries speak like they do? Only one word in fifty actually conveys some information. The next time a politician starts answering a question with oral fart I'd like to see all the reporters in the room beat the living daylights out of him. Gang up on him and crack the bastard's skull. Maybe then we'll hear more answers in the form of "Yes," "No" and "I don't know." All this mind-numbing rhetoric is NOT NECESSARY. Like popcorn at movies or cake at birthdays, this is a TRADITION. Unlike those two, this tradition HURTS US. Repeat after me, "We DO NOT need crap-talking leaders." Imagine how much work could get done if they didn't spend time on those UNFUCKINGNECESSARY forty-nine words in fifty. Goddamn bozos.

Crap design of the universe

I am so fucking sick of entropy. Everything around me is always
entangling with everything else. Fucking bicycles, fucking headphone
cords, fucking things that fall on the floor rolling to the remotest
fucking places, every fucking thing that has an edge is getting caught
with every other motherfucker. Especially those motherfucking
bicycles. They have things sticking out all over them. Throw in the
complication of putting two locks on the bike all the time because of
the sons of thieving bitches around here, and you have a goddamn
entropy nightmare. Spontafuckingneously headphone cords loop into
themselves multiple times while I'm not watching them. This crap has
been going on for 28 motherfucking years. I'm sick of it now, this
increasing entropy motherfucker. We should stop putting up with this
crap design of the universe. Fucking crap Nature-bitch.

How do you know?

From time to time I will appear to speak knowledgably about things I cannot possibly have knowledge of. I will say things such as "I'm pretty sure Bush thought he'd find WMD." Or "Google will do no evil." Frequently, "There is no such thing as what you call "God"."

Listen you lobotomized toads, if you ask me how I know these things, I will instantly SPIT on you. That is a question that demonstrates your sheer idiocy. Here's something else that does the same: telling me that's JUST MY OPINION. Really, turd? That comes as a frightening shock to me, because I am so used to creating transcendental truths just by uttering the words that express them.

EVERYTHING I SAY IS "JUST MY OPINION." I AM NOT PRIVY TO ANY COSMIC FACT-TESTING. IF YOU WANT TO HEAR UNIVERSAL TRUTHS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE DO NOT LOOK AT MY MOUTH, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHERE THEY COME FROM.

I don't know why I have to share this planet with you invertebrates masquerading as people.

Where are you?

Do NOT call me and ask "Where are you?" unless you're my wife, which you're not. State what you want from me and shut up while I tell you if I can give it to you. Jackasses.