Liars, cheaters and stealers

There is a certain group of people who have these things in common (apart from their physical characteristics): they are all liars, cheaters and stealers; they have a low level of mental development; they are cruel and enjoy watching others suffer; they do not contribute to society but sustain themselves parasitically. It is worth repeating that they are unrepentant liars, cheaters and stealers. They are generally uncooperative to reasonable requests and are not trusted by sensible people. These people are known as children, and I would recommend keeping a protective hand on your wallet anytime one of these is near.

Dairy Sanchez

I hate that upper-lip milk stripe models wear in the "Got Milk?" ads. It's filthy disgusting. And I do NOT get the concept of advertising for milk. What's next, "Wear clothes" ads?

Wimpy water fountains

What the piddle is this crap? Click on these pathetic pictures. Ever try to get a drink from one of these dribblers? Good luck. Unless you have the snout of a bonsai poodle, that water is strictly off-limits. My campus is full of these ED-afflicted chihuahua-appeasing spouts. Why aren't alarm bells going off in some hydraulic command and control center to save the thirsty public from this torture? The wankers who designed these machines obviously had two overriding architectural concerns:

1. Provoke high levels of agitation in the water-consuming elements of human society.

2. Encase the entire unit in combat-grade armor, because said elements will attack the machines in murderous fits of rage.

One day I am going to bring a sledgehammer down on that little button. We'll see if that jet doesn't gain some altitude.

And how is it NOBODY EVER FIXES these wimp fountains? All over the world maintenance crews are proactively fixing things. There are no pothole vigilantes staking out the highways with fingers poised on cellphone buttons. There are no squawkbox vigilantes keeping an ear on the audible crossing signals for the blind. Nobody calls the city to report when that tweeter breaks and blind people have to start dodging trucks in the middle of the intersection. Things just get fixed. I want those spouts fixed, and I'm not going to LIFT ONE FINGER to make that happen, do you hear?

Guessing game

What is it with the stories on the sports pages of newspapers never introducing what the heck sport they're talking about? They'll dive right into the gory details without once mentioning WTF they're crapping about. It could be curling or it could be chess, camel-racing or BASE jumping, but they WILL NOT LET ON.

What's that you say? Have a helpful little title on top of each story? Do sports writers tell you how to worship your Jesus? Then stay the fuck out of THEIR religion.

The blogs must be crazy

Is anyone else here sick to the bone of the blogging mania? I know I am. If the blogosphere was your introduction to the human race, you'd think it consists of nothing but bazillions of hopped-up comment-monkeys, the way they're endlessly banging away at their battered keyboards and frenetically linking to one another in one huge crazy-ass URL-spewing, RSS-sucking orgasm. It's like they've never seen the Internet before. Jeez, did you guys grow up in some starving third-world country that had exactly one telephone line strung up on poles from one end to the other? This is a feeding scene right out of a pigsty. "Give me some of that Internet, I'm going to stuff my face with that thing!!" "Look, Internet, Internet, it's the Internet!! Lemme at that juicy piece of Internet!!"

Something tells me I'm not just kidding.

Quote me on this

You know you're a mediocre person with little or no prospect of success if your email signature is an inspiring quote from a famous person. This is like sucking on your mama's boob when you should be out procuring your own milk. Like hiding behind your dad's testicles when you should be growing your own.

Behind every one of these famous people email signatures is a tacit smugness--"I think exactly like Albert Einstein. I totally grok the dude." You didn't say the words in the quote, insect. Therefore, fuck off, etc. And grow some gonads.

I'm sick of hearing what Albert Einstein had to say on the proper conduct of life. Every lowly insect with an email address wants to tell me what Albert Einstein thought. If and when you start spending every waking hour in a worshipful trance meditating on Albert Einstein's all-round greatness, I'll read your miserable little signature.

Die, the whole lot of you.